No Is The Answer

I think we have been a little hard on the word "no".  Everyone hears about positive thinking being the best; we all want to hear permission to do what we want; language is generally weighted towards the positive.  We get trained to seek out that affirmative and shun the negative whenever we can.  Yet, looking at it more objectively, the best answer is actually no.  How can this be?  For one thing, no is sure.  Yes is oftentimes conditional or temporary, tentative permission until something changes and then the negotiations begin again.  On the other hand, no is forever.  Do not bother coming back.  Do not call us, we will call you.  In fact, any answer other than no is uncertain and given to change and disappointment on all sides.  "Yes" can open up possibilities, which is what we are told we should be looking for, but having too many choices only leads to indecision and stagnation.  We need "no" to guide us by shutting off the bad choices.  We learn from no, not from yes.  "No" is the guide and compass to something better, instead of the invitation to complacency that "yes" embodies.  When one receives a yes, one can only continue doing the same thing as before, but "no" means it is time for change.  Indeed, it is time to live, since life is only change.  We ought to live the no instead of dreaming the yes.

The Actress concurred that no gets a bad rap, and that we should be careful of yes because it is often given falsely.  We say no because we are sure of what we want, which can be upsetting to those who might wish to manipulate us.  There is a blending in the public imagination of "no" and rejection of common social mores, but there is no reason for that to be so.  In fact, a sincere no can be harder than simple rejection.  Towards the end of the meeting, she noted that we learn "no" as children before we learn "yes" in any meaningful way; we might conclude that "no" is more necessary for survival and more important.

The Educator first mentioned that learning in childhood in the meeting.  Parents want to hear yes because we expect obedience from children.  At this point I was brought to thinking about the egalitarianism of "no", since we can say this to our inferiors - or our equals.  We become "yesmen" to superiors and and leave honesty behind.  The Educator agreed that it is necessary to set limits for ourselves, and this requires being able to say no.  She mentioned the problem faced by many women, even adult women, in modern society, which is that some men feel that they have the right not to hear "no" from any woman, ever.  Some people do not want others to set boundaries.  It is also a feature of the business of sales, since accepting "no" means fewer sales.  We can feel a certain pleasure in saying "no", seeing the frustration that others experience, but it is also a pleasure of being recognized as a sovereign individual.  The problem with not saying no is that others take advantage.  It becomes a burning need to understand that other people have their own responsibilities and have to do what they have to do, regardless of how it affects us.  Boundaries are necessary for civilized society between civilized people, and those who do not respect them should not be pampered in their arrogance and disrespect for others.

An Occasional Participant agreed that there are rational and irrational noes, and the rational no is one that is clear and decisive.  Of course, there are many ways of asking for things which can muddy the waters and make it harder to give a clear no for an answer.  In other cultures, no is so strong that it is impolite to use it.  We might have trouble getting an answer at all, if people are afraid of saying no.  Now, people often say that lack of clarity makes it impossible for them to take anything other than a clear and undiluted "no" as a real negative, but studies show that people understand a soft no perfectly, they simply refuse to accept it.  The Participant concluded that "no" is the protective answer, the one we use to save ourselves from insecurity or change.

The Leader wrote briefly on circumstances of giving and receiving noes, and commented that one of the hardest tasks we have is to know what we want.  It is probably easier to know what we do not want.  There is a difference, however, between "no" and total rejection; a no does not mean we should not try again, but something needs to be adjusted, either the circumstances need to change or our presentation needs improvement.  There are also situations, especially in business, where we cannot afford to say no, as much as we would like to.  We cannot even use a "soft no" sometimes.  Human emotion often clouds the issue as well, as instinct or common sense may urge us to say no, but the emotions surrounding the choice we must make lead us to say "yes".  He also mentioned that although children learn to say no by themselves, we also encourage them to use it more forcefully around strangers and dangerous situations; a no at the right time can save us a lot of grief.

While there were several calls for balance and harmony between yes and no, we have to agree that they are not equivalents or even sides of the same coin.  This is especially true when "yes" carries obligations, as it very often does - it is "no" that sets you free.