Mattering

When we think about what we want in life as human beings, we often come up with varied but similar answers.  People say they want to be successful.  Others say they want to be loved.  Still others just want to be happy.  These might seem to be related, but different goals, but perhaps there is another thing that knits them all together into one human desire: mattering.  Philosopher and novelist Rebecca Goldstein has been credited with the idea of the "mattering map" as part of one of her novels, a network of the connections we have with other people and what we feel their connections to us should be.  We want to be important to others in meaningful ways, which can lead to or be the consequence of success, being loved or being happy/satisfied with life.  A further extension of mattering is that one becomes, in a sense, immortal.  If a person matters, that person's name and actions are remembered and "live" on in the memory of human history.

What does being successful have to do with mattering?  A person who is successful accomplishes things - goals are met, targets achieved, awards racked up.  One can be successful financially or socially without being both, but success does mean a certain public recognition and appreciation of what one does.  Why does that matter?  The financially successful person can help others by donations or by mentoring.  Lives can be improved through that person's influence.  We remember those who make our lives better with admiration, and they take important places in our minds.  They matter to us.  Somebody who succeeds socially may not have the monetary power to enact improvements, but can influence others to do so.  An example to follow matters for many people, whether there is a personal relationship or not, so a successful person can be fairly certain of mattering.

Being loved seems like a synonym to mattering, although we must remember that there are different types of love.  English is not very precise in this area.  A number of details of the loving relationship go into actually mattering, such as appreciation, much like with success.  However, a loved one is also respected and supported in times of difficulty, something that a successful person might not be by everyone aware of that person's existence.  It is not only the physical presence of the loved one that is important, but also the mental and emotional state, whether by our side or not.  We often claim to love people, but pay no attention to them, belittle them, ignore them, and even deliberately harm them, perhaps under a misguided sense of "tough love" being necessary.  Our loved ones may make bad decisions that we clearly see and we want to help them avoid those decisions, but in imposing our own desires for them on top of them, we show them that they do not matter.  Their experiences, their desires, their personal autonomy are not important factors in their existence, since we deny them the right to these things.  A person who is loved is a full person, not an extension of whoever might love them.  Knowing that one matters to others as a complete human being and not a two-dimensional bit player in somebody else's play of life is the basis of feeling loved.  Other, perhaps more practical, relationships can be forged, of course, but the participants might not matter as individuals so much as their roles matter.

The connection between being happy and mattering could be a little looser than in the previous cases.  Many people believe themselves happy with little to no responsibility to, or contact with other people.  A satisfying, pleasing life is one in which the person is completely immersed in nature or their own experiences of the world, without the need to pay attention to the necessities of others.  Considering the definition we have given mattering, how can that sort of life possibly matter?  Another aspect of mattering can be making a difference in the world.  Not everyone has to be surrounded by other people in order to make a difference, although the rest of us do have to be aware of the existence of these hermits.  People spend their lives in a certain amount of isolation, pondering reality, doing experiments and research, creating beneficial spaces and lifestyles that can be emulated.  This goes back to the idea of immortality.  Even after a life apart from the rest of humanity, a person can matter if their ideas are found interesting and useful.  The persona is kept in the minds of the living, becoming a hero, legend, a saint, even a god.  A person who matters leaves a mark on reality.  A person who matters leaves echoes all through the tunnel of time.  As Goldstein has pointed out, people want to matter even more than they want to live, which allows people to choose to be martyrs rather than preserve their biological lives.  In this way, without the influence of their human failings, they might matter even more.  What happier end than that?

Anyone we develop a relationship with matters to us in some way.  We might assume that we matter in the same way to those people, providing the same benefits we feel we provide to them.  There are clashes that may arise, when one party does not provide those benefits, sometimes out of selfishness, other times through a misunderstanding of the place of the relationship on the mattering map.  We believe we have universal values, but often reject the interpretation of them by others.  We also insist that variations in value systems are not natural or proper, in need of restructuring rather than a widening of our own perspective.  Perhaps a better understanding of what matters to us may aid us in developing a more just society and fostering the values we claim we hold.